“When I was young, I used to wish I would fit in… I’m glad I didn’t get my wish.”
Steve Maraboli
There is a Japanese saying “The nail that sticks up gets hammered down.”
My Japanese father taught me that saying when I was a young child. I had yet to understand the perceived value, particularly by immigrants, of fitting in with others. To outsiders, being acceptable feels like the golden ticket into the club.
I’ve been an outsider my whole life. I am an abject failure at fitting in.
I was raised by a mother who didn’t fit in, despite her best efforts. She raised two daughters, neither of us fit in. It’s not a bad legacy. When other people brought PBJ to kindergarten, we had bento boxes, chopsticks and rice balls. When kids went to each other’s houses on playdates, we were inside practicing violin or learning Japanese kanji. When families were gathered together for cookouts and football, our family was sitting quietly together engaged in separate activities listening to classical music. My mother (and therefore I) was the first vegetarian I knew. She was the only zen buddhist I knew. She was also the only stay-at-home mom in a neighborhood filled with dual income families or single parents. We were different.
My mother, then and now, squeals with delight when she sees something that tickles her fancy. She will start to skip on a whim and almost never passes up a swing set without going for a spin. I watch her and think – that’s youthfulness – that joie de vivre and exuberance!
My passion (obsession!) with youthfulness and vitality started with my grandparents and parents. They had a joy for living that made me look forward to becoming an adult and becoming “wiser”. They were all unique birds…their very own one-of-a-kind.
When we are young, we just Are. It takes a while to understand that people are different from us and that there is some broad social norm or context we’ll at least need to understand to navigate our adult lives. When you are surrounded by the weirdos in my family (a term of affection to be sure!), it’s even harder to discern the norm.
As we mature, social pressures to conform only increase. I look around and everyone else seems to be managing it like a freaking boss. I’ve tried…trust me…I’ve tried. The harder I try the worse I do.
Over a decade ago, I sought out a life coach to help me “adult” better. I needed help getting my life back on track. He observed that I compartmentalized my life. I had different flavors of myself for work, friend, daughter, and social. This was my version of fitting in. Here’s my coach’s advice.
Make yourself whole instead of fractured. Don’t cheat those people. They deserve 100% of you as much as you do.
Come to find out, it’s not just me. Have you read the anecdotes from our recent remote work model? Loved ones are jarred by hearing their partner’s work persona for the first time. A lot of us do this to cope with the pressure to fit in…dole out small portions of ourselves in different situations so we are palatable and acceptable.
Fortunately, while we are in close quarters for the upcoming week(s), we have time to see ourselves through other people’s eyes and figure out what we might want to change. I’ll tell you, life is easier and freer if you can find the courage to be yourself.
I might not be everyone’s cup of tea, but I’m someone’s grande no-foam-soy-chai!
Here’s what I’d challenge you to examine. Do you look, act, think like your immediate social crowd? If you answer anywhere on the range of yes, answer the follow up question. What makes you YOU? What makes you stand out instead of fit in? Is there something holding you back from being your WHOLE self all the time?
Lean into those fears.
We lose our shine when we try to fit in. Being yourself, that’s what lights you up from the inside and brings you a radiance you can’t get from any serum, syringe, or surgery. The ultimate secret to youthfulness and vitality is just to go back to being unabashedly YOU.
