It’s not what happens to you, but how you handle it. If Life gives you lemons, make lemonade. If the lemons are rotten, take out the seeds and plant them in order to grow new lemons.
Louise Hays
My good intentions to return to consistent blogging were waylaid.
Life happens. It is inevitable and we have to give up control over those things where we hold no sway. To do otherwise is to invite madness and exhaustion.
A couple of weeks ago, my eighty-eight year old father’s health took a turn for the worse. A bunch of frantic phone calls and one way tickets to his bedside in an ICU in another state sparked off an adventure of a new kind.
I can honestly say that this particular “adventure” wasn’t helping my health, my youthfulness, or my vitality currently. But as with many things, I am committed to reframing it more positively.
- I’ve decided to look at this “detour” as an adventure – something to be embraced instead of feared – that helps.
- Finding ways to get back to health, vitality, and youthfulness in more challenging circumstances is certainly a skill that will serve me well as I progress through life.
- Seeing the bright spots in this adventure and holding on to those – well that’s my salvation.
Adventure
ad·ven·ture
/adˈven(t)SHər,ədˈven(t)SHər/
noun
1. an unusual and exciting, typically hazardous, experience or activity.
Health scares are hopefully unusual, exciting and adrenaline riddled in its own way, hazardous for one’s routine and daily lifestyle.
Yes this counts as an adventure! This is an adventure that most of us have either been on or will be on. As many resources as I’ve read on the subject in the last few weeks, none quite compare (or feel like they compare) to my personal experience. I suspect this will be true for us all. While there are commonalities, there are enough differences that we feel a bit awash in an unfamiliar sea. I’m still working on how to navigate this.
Personal Touchstones
For me, my personal self-care is baked into my daily routines. This ranges from beauty regime, food selections, sleep schedule, entertainment, exercise, and fun. I try to travel with my beauty regime whenever possible so I was fortunate to not cut too many corners during my unexpectedly long ten day stay. We are fortunate that he’s doing well enough to be released to step down care so now we are running a marathon instead of a sprint – another welcome twist in the adventure. We managed to fit in a quick pick-me-up pedicure during one of Dad’s many naps. My sister is an excellent, healthy, mostly vegetarian, organic cook. I ate well and was nourished perfectly – better than I am at home so that goes in my plus column. Exercise was difficult. His hospital was 45 minutes away from where we were staying, which somehow seemed to eat into all of the spare time. We did his daily exercises with him to encourage him to grow stronger. We also did body weight workouts when we thought of it – though this go around we let worry overwhelm us a bit. We were so exhausted when we were done with the day that we fell asleep pretty soon after we finished dinner each night. Fun found its little footholds in the cracks. Whenever we could, we tried to include our father to bolster our spirits.
Bright Spots
There are a shocking number of bright spots in this adventure (part one).
- Despite the circumstances, this was more time intensely spent with Dad than I’ve had…ever. Even if it was just watching him sleep or fiercely advocating for him when he couldn’t express himself – I would never exchange this time for anything. Our hope is that he makes a full recovery and returns to his very independent life. We won’t have that kind of time with him again so I really tried to be grateful despite the circumstance.
- My stepmother is an angel of a human being and has always been so welcoming and inclusive. She allowed us to stay with her at the condo so we got more time with her than we’ve had in a long while as well. It wasn’t nearly as much as we hoped for but I have a strong sense that she hasn’t seen the last of us for a good while.
- I’ve only seen my step sister and her husband once in the last three years thanks to both life and the pandemic. We had a chance to catch up a bit and support her. She’s been providing the bulk of caregiving tasks since she lives close to them both.
- My niece’s daughter is now a lovely young woman. I remember seeing her at Christmas when she was only a wee thing and now she’s a stunning, articulate young woman who is impressive to say the very least.
- My sister is one of my closest confidantes and though we don’t see each other much living on opposite coasts, it is always a joy to spend time with her. She and I are silly and simpatico in ways that only sisters can be. And for the most part, we got along really well. Any sleep deprived irritations soothed away quickly and we parted still wishing we had more time together. For me, this made the experience the most fun, even when it was stressful and serious and worrisome.
- The nurses, with some notable highlights were such a joy. Didi and Annika took tremendous care with our father. They made sure we knew how to help him and then allowed us to shower care on him that far exceeded what hospital staff would be able to. They entertained our questions with patience and shared curiosity. They asked questions about our backgrounds and our father’s life. Most of all, they treated him with kindness, gentleness, and firmness in the most wonderful manner, always confirming his involvement in his care. I wish the new residents (doctors) had been so skilled but they tended to talk around him instead of to him.
- Friends and family updates were extremely challenging to prioritize but we found that we were able to communicate with his family in Japan through a group messenger text, update his friends on facebook, stay in touch together and request support from our own networks to really help pull him through. The kind words and sentiments shared with him really brightened his day.
I am oddly grateful for this unexpected adventure. I’ve always seen it on the horizon and always hoped I could avoid it even as I intellectually understood its inevitability. Shifting my perspective is certainly a big part of making it a more “positive” experience.
It occurred to me that any of us may be facing this, certainly as we age, the likelihood increases. If you would be interested in the things we learned, the lessons we wish we knew before hand, the tips and tricks we’ve tested – drop a comment. I’m happy to sprinkle in life lessons to help us all through this adventure.
